How to Get an Oscar Nomination

"White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar."
Kit Ramsey (Eddie Murphy), Bowfinger

The Answers to All Life's Riddles

"All of life's riddles are answered in the movies."
Davis (Steve Martin), Grand Canyon

Business Advice

"Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised."
Jimmy Dell (Steve Martin), The Spanish Prisoner

The Great Jihad

"War is the lesser Jihad. To overcome temptation, to live rightly, that is the great Jihad."
 Saïd Taghmaoui (Omar), Traitor

A Week's Salary

"All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work."
Master Sergeant Ernst G. Bilko (Steve Martin), Sgt. Bilko